Questions vs Statements
Generating Conversation
You can create good conversation out of thin air. It’s a skill, but it can be done. You don’t have to memorize anything or pretend you’re somebody else. You just have to master a few key concepts.
Creating threads of conversation through statement is far more powerful than questions. This is because it assumes rapport. Friends speak to each other in statements, not questions. Questions are a polite way of requesting information of someone. They create the frame that you desire something from her and she is obligated to fulfill your request. But statements make so that you’re constantly giving away information and value to the other person.
Statements give you a wider array of topics to choose from. Only broad questions feel socially acceptable. Specific and eccentric questioning comes off as odd and unattractive.
For instance, if you’ve been talking to a woman at a bar for a few minutes, saying, “I love olives in my drink. When I was a kid I used to eat them straight out of the jar,” is far more interesting than, “Do you like olives in your drink?” and waiting for her response. In fact, that question is just plain weird. But that statement is interesting, and what many women would consider “cute.”
Questioning should be limited to a minimum. Often, asking her a question is unavoidable to get the conversation rolling. But once it’s rolling, you should make them few and far in between. Many guys talking to a girl in the “interview” style of conversation, which puts the girl on the spot, creates no rapport, and will drive her away.
Instead of incessant questioning, you want to develop a skill called cold-reading. Cold-reading is a skill where you’re able to intuitively “know” something about someone else without actually knowing it.
It’s like being a psychic without the cheesiness.
For our purposes, cold-reading is just a way of creating interesting statements rather than asking questions for information. You don’t ask the question you want to know, but instead you make a mild prediction.
Instead of asking her a question about herself, you guess the answer to your question and then state it. Here are some examples:
“Where are you from?” translates to: “You look like a California girl.”
“What do you do for work?” translates to: “You seem to be a creative person. I bet your job is interesting.”
“How do you guys know each other?” translates to: “You guys look like you’ve been friends for a long time.”
In each situation, the statement makes an educated guess and engages the woman far more than any question will. Instead of asking her about herself, you’re TELLING her about herself. The only thing people love more than talking about themselves is hearing about themselves. But what if you’re wrong?
That’s the best part! A lot of guys worry about cold-reading because they’re afraid to state something incorrect. This is where human nature works in our favor.
There’s no failing with cold-reading. With every cold-read, one of three things will happen:
1.You’ll be wrong, and she’ll correct you.
2.You’ll be wrong, and she’ll ask you what made you think that.
3.You’ll be right, and she’ll freak out at how perceptive you are.
In the first result, she’ll basically just answer the question you based your cold- read on and forget that you were wrong.
In the second result, you’ll be wrong, but she’ll be so intrigued by your guess, that she’ll create a deeper conversation thread about what you observed about her. Later in the chapter, we’ll talk about the importance of creating the deepest threads possible.
In the third result, the few times you get the cold-read correct, she will most likely be surprised at how perceptive you are about her. This will generate a tidal wave of rapport immediately and impress her at the same time.
Here are examples of a cold-read situation with all three different responses:
Me: “You look a bit bookish. You must be a student around here.”
Her: “No, I’m not. But I do love to read, though.”
Me: “You look a bit bookish. You must be a student around here.”
Her: “No. What made you think that? Is it my glasses? I just got them.”
Me: “You look a bit bookish. You must be a student around here.”
Her: “Yeah, I am! Wow, is it that obvious?”
You should cold-read as much as possible. Any time you’re asking a question that requires a factual answer; take a stab at the answer instead of asking.
One night, I met a girl from Chicago. I took a blind guess at which University she went to and was right. She couldn’t get over “how perceptive” I was for a good five minutes. She asked me how I knew and I told her I could tell she was on the intellectual side although I figured she probably moved because the school was located in a bad part of the city. Everything was dead-on despite being educated guesses. From that point on, she engaged me completely in conversation and was more than excited to hang out with me again.
Besides that, creating conversations out of statements protects you from “blanking.” You know when you are talking to a woman and all the sudden the conversation dies and you have no idea what to say? You’re sitting there awkwardly and the more uncomfortable you feel, the harder it is to come up with something. Eventually, you blurt out something boring like, “So… where do you live?”
Using statements can prevent this a great deal. Instead of fishing for a new conversation based on a generic question, you can simply comment about something or observe something. Never underestimate the power of non sequiturs.
“I’m thinking about quitting drinking.” “A car almost hit me on the way here tonight.” “My roommate eats peanut butter and mayonnaise sandwiches. It’s disgusting.” “I’ve always wanted to visit Africa.”
These will sometimes come across as random. But that’s because they are – they’re whatever thoughts are popping into your head at the moment. It’s better to be random and interesting than predictable and boring. Don’t be afraid to just blurt something out.
This works because unlike questions, statements require no investment from the other person. You can say whatever you want and there’s no implicit expectation for her to generate conversation as well.
Speaking in statements in this fashion – to generate spontaneous conversation – is important in that it forces you to share yourself with her. When you simply ask a girl questions, you aren’t giving any information about yourself, so it’s harder for her to trust you or build rapport. But if you simply state a fact about yourself and then talk about it, you are now sharing yourself AND giving her a chance to chime in with her input as well.
The amazing thing about speaking in statements is if you do it correctly, she will start asking YOU questions. This may not seem like a big deal, but it actually reorients the entire interaction. As I mentioned earlier, whoever is asking the questions is sub- communicating a desire to learn more about the other, i.e., interest, i.e., they’re attracted to them. If she is constantly seeking information from you, you now have the power to control the interaction – you control the information and the conversation.
To close out this section, I will provide two examples of conversation, from opener to creating threads through statements. Each example will start with a version showing the conversation with questions, and then I will go back through showing the conversation with statements. Pay attention to how much more alive and engaging the statements make the conversation.
Example 1: Questions
Me: “Hi, I’m Mark. How are you tonight?”
Her: “Good, and you?”
Me: “I’m great. I wanted to come over and meet you. Where are you from?”
Her: “I’m from Denmark.”
Me: “Really? That’s amazing. What brings you to the United States?”
Her: “I am studying at a university here.”
Me: “That’s great. Which university?”
Her: “University of Michigan.”
Me: “Cool. What are you studying?”
Her: “Anthropology. I’m working on my thesis right now. I go back to Denmark in a couple months.”
Example 1: Statements
Me: “Hi, I’m Mark. How are you tonight?”
Her: “Good, and you?”
Me: “I’m great. I wanted to come over and meet you. You have an accent. You’re not American.”
Her: “No, I’m not. I’m actually Danish.”
Me: “Cool. I like Danish – I eat them all the time.”
Her: *laughs*
Me: “You laugh at my stupid jokes too! That’s perfect. I don’t think I’ve ever met a Danish person. I’ve been to Holland and Germany, but never Denmark.”
Her: “Oh, it’s great. You need to go. When did you go to Europe?”
Me: “My brother and I went after I graduated high school. I desperately want to go back. I love traveling.”
Her: “Me too.”
Me: “If you could go anywhere in the world, for just one day, where would it be?”
Example 2: Questions
Me: “Hey. I’d appreciate it if you don’t stare at me, women intimidate me.” *smile*
Her: *laughs* “I’m sure.” *rolls eyes* Me: “What’s your name?”
Her: “Jane Doe, and you?”
Me: “Mark. What do you do Jane?”
Her: “I’m a tax attorney.”
Me: “Oh, how’s that?”
Her: “Not too glamorous, obviously. What about you?”
Me: “I just graduated. I’m looking for a job.”
Her: “Ah. Good luck.”
Me: “Where are you from?”
Her: “New York. And you?”
Me: “Texas.”
Her: “Really? You don’t sound like it.”
Example 2: Statements
Me: “Hey. I’d appreciate it if you didn’t stare at me, women intimidate me.” *smile*
Her: *laughs* “I’m sure.” *rolls eyes*
Me: “You just look like such a party girl, I don’t know if I could handle you.” *sarcastic smile*
Her: “Yeah. I’m as wild and crazy as they come.” *laughs*
Me: “I can see it. You’re probably holed up in some boring office job all week, and then come out and prey on young unsuspecting men.”
Her: *laughs; to her friends* “He’s so right! Oh my God, you can read me like a book.”
Me: “You’re probably like an accountant or something.”
Her: “I’m a tax attorney. Good guess. And you look too young to have a real job.”
Me: “Damn right! I just graduated… in body but not in mind.”
Her: “Good for you. Enjoy it while you can.”
Me: “You don’t look like a Boston girl.”
Her: “Well, I AM a Boston girl.”
Me: “Really? You don’t have that vibe at all. You seem much warmer.”
Her: “Nope. Born and raised here. Where are you from?”
Me: “Texas.” Her: “No way. You don’t have an accent at all.”
Me: “It’s because I’m civilized.”
Her: *laughs* “You’re too much.” *playfully touches my chest*
Me: “Whoa, what is this, a meat market? Get your hands off me!” *smiles*
Her: *laughs* “I love it!”
5 Responses to “Questions vs Statements”
Tac Kit Diep says:
December 13, 2010 at 1:13 pm
I do think, a good cold read can really help out in the pick-up process. Not that it always works but trying is recommendable.
Reply
Madamada says:
December 16, 2010 at 9:11 pm
I’ve also found out a way to run out of conversation. It applies to the statement concept VS questions.
When you run out of “ideas” to talk, it’s often because it’s try hard, time consuming (you have to think), and also a bit hard to calibrate between modesty / need to impress.
Just translate the emotions and apply other ways to get off the pressure and generate new topic for conversations.
That’s how I view this statement concept instead of asking questions (which will require investment in the girl you’re talking too).
eg : you’re talking about work. (Yes, the most interesting subject in the world in 99 % case when the conversation runs dry)
Work = your clean crystal desk = taste of your arabic coffee = some funny delightful stories and social proofing = nice place to get holidays with white sand and excursions
I guess it’s a nice way to quickly bounce without thinking too much. Just visualize in terms of taste, colour, image (much more significative for me personally) as a shortcut.
Reply
Kevin says:
March 17, 2011 at 7:47 pm
It seems I get better reactions when I tell girls my perception of them rather than me asking them, good stuff.
Reply
Robinson S says:
June 20, 2011 at 3:44 pm
This is very simple but a subtle way to change the tone of the conversation. I’d heard it before but never seen it illustrated this well. Cold reading is fun. Even when you are way, way off.
Reply
Hudson says:
July 3, 2011 at 12:35 pm
I learned the most from the following sentences:
It’s better to be random and interesting than predictable and boring.
There’s no failing with cold-reading.
Never underestimate the power of non sequiturs. “I’ve always wanted to see Africa.” Just blurt something out!
This is brilliant. I love it.
What I’m gonna blurt out to the girl(s) is the following as this is what I’m thinking all the time:
“I will kiss you in a few minutes.” I bet this will create some emotions in her and some reactions on her side even though it’s just a statement (of intent).
“I want you to come with me.” That’s what I’m gonna blurt out randomly after 15-20 minutes in set.
Hudson
Reply
No comments:
Post a Comment