Escalating for a Girlfriend?

Tags: Relationships, Same Night Lay
Interesting reader question came in last week:

Do you think it’s ok to push for sex as quick as you can if you’re looking for a girlfriend? The thing is that out of all the relationships I see people have, like my friends and family – the ones that are successful – none of them had sex on the first date.

I have my own share of experience as well, 25+ lays and around 10 or more were sex on the first date. And I rarely go for those girls again. It just always seems like a one time deal.
Plus my mom was brought up kinda conservative and she knows that I see multiple girls, so whenever I go on a date – she’s always like – “Just please , don`t push for sex this time, you gonna scare her out.”
I know that community preaches to push for sex as fast as you can, but I can tell that I messed up some relationships with girl cause of sex. So I am not so sure if that’s such a good idea. And like we now know, community is wrong in so so many ways.

The short answer is yes. The long answer is that it’s tricky and probably harder, but yes, it’s OK.

There are two main reasons that I prescribe the “sleep with her as soon as possible,” regardless of what you’re looking for. The first reason is that it’s impossible for a guy to be objective about a woman who he hasn’t slept with him yet. It just is. I’ve seen some of the most experienced and solid men start falling under false beliefs and expectations to women who hold out on them for weeks or even months. They start spouting stuff like, “This could be the one,” or “She’s not like anybody else.” That all changes REALLY quickly as soon as your penis goes in her.

The reason you see more successful relationships start from a couple that waited is because, basically, the longer a woman holds out on a guy, the more commitment she’s forcing him to make up front. So when they finally DO have sex, he’s implicitly committed himself to her quite a bit and is more likely to hang around (or to have convinced himself that she’s incredibly unique in some way, when probably she just had the self-respect to hold out on him for a few weeks).

The reason this is so important and the second reason I recommend guys have sex as soon as possible, is that sex is the inflection point of sexual power.

Men prioritize sex higher than women do. The reasons are evolutionary and biological, and I won’t go into them much here. But basically, men generally value having wild, rampant and casual sex more than women do. For this reason, women have more selectivity pre-sex and more power. Hence why we have an entire pick up community and dedicate hundreds if not thousands of hours of trying to figure out how to have as much sex as possible with as many hot women as possible.

On the other hand, women tend to value commitment and relationships more than men. Again, this is biological, and again, grants selectivity and power when it comes to choosing relationships and commitment.

In general, women decide when sex is going to happen and men decide when relationships happen. My guess is 90% of everyone experiences on this blog back this up.

Well, the inflection point of power in the interaction and relationship is when sex occurs. Not only do you become objective about your feelings for the woman afterward, but you now retain the power to decide when and how you’re going to commit and to whom. This is the power that we’re all here for… this is why the whole community exists.

So to answer your particular situation, the fact you never want to see any of these girls again. I would argue it’s because you’re not going after women with enough quality. Pre-sex, you see them and probably think, “I’d bang her.” Then you do and you realize you don’t give a shit and don’t want to see her again.

If you met a girl who was incredible personality-wise as well as attractive physically, and great in bed, you’d want to see her again naturally, regardless of whether you had sex or not.

My personal beliefs about successful relationships is that your girlfriend shouldn’t be “chosen,” but they should evolve out of your pool of FB’s and friends with benefits. They should naturally be that girl that you always want to see more than the others, the one that you find yourself calling first week after week.

The best girlfriend of my life began as a one night stand, and I’ve dated a lot of other great girls that put out the first night. So yeah, holding out will prime the interaction to head towards commitment, and maybe even delude you a little into THINKING you want a relationship… but it’s not necessary and can even be detrimental in a lot of cases — i.e., making it 2-3 months with a girl and realizing you don’t like her nearly as much as you originally thought.

In the end, the most determinant factor is the quality of women you’re going after and hooking up with. Find out what these 25 have been missing — whether it be intelligence, character, looks, or whatever — and start going after that more.