How to Relate to Women
By Mark, on June 17th, 2010 6 comments
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In interactions, what’s less important is your experience and what’s more important is how well you can relate to my experience.
In general, talking about yourself is a poor way of relating to other people’s experiences unless there’s a clear emotional parallel (emphasis on EMOTIONAL, not situational). In the end, the emotional rapport is all that matters. Facts and situations are all replaceable.
Example:
Person 1: “My dog died. I cried all day.”
Person 2: “My dog died. I didn’t really care.”
= POOR WAY TO RELATE
Person 1: “My dog died. I cried all day.”
Person 2: “My cat died last year. I didn’t leave the house for two days afterward. Losing a pet is awful.”
= BETTER WAY TO RELATE
Person 1: “My dog died. I cried all day.”
Person 2: “That’s awful. *hug* I’m really sorry. Here, drinks on me… and we’ll toast to the best damn dog there’s ever been. May she rest in peace.”
= BEST WAY TO RELATE
Generally people who only relate to others by talking about themselves, are really just using situations as opportunities to seek validation and attention. How do I know this? I used to do this all the time and still have to stop myself quite a bit (especially when I’m drunk).
Also, when you’re constantly in this mode of only relating to people on a very surface level, your perception will be that everyone else just talks about themselves as well… why? Because they’re not talking about you! And you is the only thing you can relate to.
And here’s something to try next time you’re out… see how long you can hold a conversation with a girl without telling her a single thing about yourself. The results will surprise you (ironically, they usually end up thinking you’re the most understanding and insightful person they’ve ever met).
Listening to Women
By Mark, on December 8th, 2010 17 comments
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Over the years, I’ve been barraged hundreds, if not thousands, of questions regarding women and how to interact with them. Some of them are rote and fundamental. Others are deep and penetrating, often drawing the questioner’s personality as well as his insecurities to the fore.
But unfortunately, a fair share of these questions and concerns are inane to the point of being borderline neurotic…
“How do I respond if she says she doesn’t like my hair?”
“She says I make a good friend, is that a shit test or does it mean she likes me?”
“She started talking her friend after I froze her out, and then went to the bathroom, how do I get her back?”
“After I qualified on how adventurous she was, why didn’t she want to give me her number?”
Uhh… yeah…
These are classic examples of questions that seem like a big deal to guys who are inexperienced with women and trivial to those who are experienced. Inexperienced guys have a tendency to over-analyze and hypothesize; it’s a result of their heightened anxiety-levels. But usually, they’re working themselves up over nothing.
But most of these “questions” are answered before they even become questions in the first place. They’re answered by the women themselves. You just weren’t listening.
There are two primary problems that most men have when it comes to listening to women. The first is the idea that you have to be perpetually talking, entertaining and engaging a woman when in conversation with her. For some reason, many men follow the assumption that the more he’s able to talk and fill in the gaps and spaces with a grandiosity of awesomeness, that somehow the girl, weak at the knees, will melt in front of him like a Popsicle in the sun as he spews story after story at her (emphasis on “at her”).
The reasoning for this follows classic guy logic: if each time I speak, I say something cool that makes her think I’m hot, then I should aim to speak as much as fucking possible. Unfortunately, this disregards a couple facts, the first being that nobody likes someone who talks about themselves constantly — or even talks about ANYTHING constantly. It also ignores the fact that, as taught by Dale Carnegie almost 100 years ago, people feel bonded and close to those who LISTEN to them.
There’s a seminal story about Dale Carnegie when he met a famous person (I believe it was Thomas Edison). Carnegie went in, and instead of asking for something, or trying to extol how amazing HE was — as everyone did with Edison at the time — Carnegie sat down and began probing Edison to speak about himself. The verbal floodgates opened and after sitting there and listening to Edison blabber on for over two hours about his most intimate personal details, Carnegie got up to leave. While leaving Edison noted to Dale: “Mr. Carnegie, you are one of the most fascinating people I’ve ever met.” The irony of course being that Carnegie had shared NOTHING with him.
A couple years ago, I was being filmed picking up a girl out at a bar. I met her, spoke to her for maybe an hour and took her home. The footage was never released, but upon talking to guy who recorded it later, he complained, “You didn’t do anything. You didn’t even talk to her. I don’t know what we can do with the footage.”
Of COURSE I didn’t talk to her. I sat there listening all night (and bought her a drink to egg her on). Every second a girl is talking to me, she’s investing in me and in her relationship and connection with me. If I can validate that connection and relationship by listening well, she’ll be very unlikely to ever steer away from me… and she’ll likely find me to be one of the most fascinating people she’s ever met.
The other mistake guys make when it comes to listening to women is that they focus too much on facts, surface words and what’s actually being spoken and not on intentions and emotions.
The most common mistakes men make over and over and over again, whether they’ve known a girl for three minutes or have been married to her for three years, is that they constantly take what they say at face value.
If she says, “I don’t like your hair.” That means that she doesn’t like your hair THAT SECOND and it’s apt to change at any moment. If she says, “I can’t have sex with you tonight,” that means she doesn’t think she can have sex with you right THEN AND THERE and it’s open for discussion.
It’s very rare that a statement from a woman, especially in the midst of flirting or passion, is made with any sort of finality. We men often judge a woman’s statements as some sort of legal decree. “She says I’d make a good friend? Fuck, that means I must be in the friend zone!” No, it’s just a reflection of her emotional state vis-a-vis you at that particular moment.
So how do decipher a woman’s cryptological communications? It’s actually fairly easy, it just takes practice.
Whenever a girl says something that seems to surprise you, or go against what you thought your vibe with her was, or that just plain doesn’t make sense or seems batshit, ask yourself this: what’s the emotion that motivated that statement? And that will explain everything you need to know.
When it comes to sexuality and flirting with men, women operate purely on emotions, rationalized through a verbal filter. Don’t mistake the filter for the message. Just as an example, let’s run through those first four questions again:
“How do I respond if she says she doesn’t like my hair?”
Don’t. You don’t have to respond to everything she says. Your hair doesn’t matter. Her mood does, and this is a reflection of some sort of antipathy towards you or the situation. Why would you ever validate that antipathy by responding to it? I flat out ignore statements like this, or completely disregard them by saying something like, “Yeah, I hate it to…” and then switching topics to something cool and exciting. Again, my concern isn’t my hair, it’s getting her thinking about something she DOES like.
“She says I’d make a good friend. Is this a shit test or does she not like me?”
It depends. Is she saying it in response to one of your sexual advances? It may be her way of turning you down. The meaning of this statement is 100% based on her intention, which you can never know 100%. She could be turning you down. She could be saying it to alleviate tension with you. She could be “shit testing” you. She could be nervous and be turning you down DESPITE liking you. The question is, what do YOU want? Again, recognize the words are the messenger, not the actual message. She’s not making a declaration of friendship here, she’s sending you an emotional smoke signal. My response to something like is always something like, “I don’t need anymore friends,” and then restate my interest in her.
“She started talking to her friend, so I froze her out. Then she went to the bathroom, how do I get her back?”
By not being so oblivious next time. She’s gone. She talked to her friend because you were not connecting with her. Not because you weren’t ENTERTAINING her — many men take this as a sign that they’re not talking ENOUGH. What it means is that she enjoys speaking to her friend — someone that she’s known for years and knows everything about — more than she enjoys talking to you. That doesn’t speak well for you. Freezing her out is a horrible choice. You’re not impressing a girl who has already demonstrated a lack of interest in you by demonstrating a lack of interest back. The fact she went to the bathroom was just a means to consummate the complete lack of relationship you two will never have.
“After I qualified how adventurous she was, why wouldn’t she give me her number?”
Because she doesn’t like you (in that moment). She feels like you’re trying to take something from her and are offering nothing in return. Qualifying her on how adventurous she is can have many effects (both positive and negative), but if you qualify a girl who already feels like you’re out to take something from her, by asking a vague and probing question without context, then she’s probably just going to feel even MORE like you’re trying to take something from her.
These are just a few made-up (but realistic) examples that I deal with consistently with guys. There are an infinite amount more. But hopefully they drive the point home: in conversation, often speaking less is more, quality over quantity. And when it comes to understanding what women are saying to you, it’s a matter of understanding intention and the emotion that motivates her statements, rather than her statements themselves
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