A great question posted recently on the Boston Lair:
A sticking point I need to work on is effectively setting up an MLTR. The key letter in this acronym being “L” for LONG. If you guys have no trouble finding women who will fuck you constantly for 6+ months while leaving you free to fuck other women, well I tip my hat to you. I meet girls who are cool with sleeping with me a few times, but eventually it comes down to that moment where they say, “I’m not comfortable having sex with you if you are sleeping with other women.” I am seeing a trend with the girls that I f-close where I will be able to stretch out the casual sex for a few weeks, maybe as long as a month, but I really would like to know how you guys are managing to get these *long* term FBs. I don’t mind admitting that I’ve only had one girl ever who was my FB for longer than a few months.
The shelf life for a FB is usually anywhere from a 1-3 months, depending on the girl. If you developed no emotional connection in this time, the escalation peaks and things just slowly come apart (or if she’s unstable, drama ensues). To break this barrier, you have to be willing to open yourself up and create an emotional bond with her.
How do you create this emotional bond? There’s a routine for it. It’s called loving her and caring about her. Genuinely. Did you get all of that? Good.
When this emotional bond emerges, what do 90% of couples do? They “go steady,” announce to the world they’re boyfriend/girlfriend on facebook, spend every other waking hour together, and nauseate all of their close friends with all the “cutesy, cuddly” shit they do in public. Oh, and of course, they are monogamous.
This can actually be a great — blissful even — for a varying amount of time, usually shorter than longer. In fact, I think a monogamous relationship is an important experience that everyone should have during their first serious relationship. The problem with it is this behavior encourages co-dependence. The two people re-adjust their entire lives around one another and live them according to some imaginary emotional parliament (the woman somehow always ends up with more votes).
The trick to an MLTR or open relationship is to generate that emotional connection while maintaining independence. This doesn’t mean you go traipsing around Boston fornicating with drunk sluts. And you definitely don’t ignore her for weeks on end, because goddamnit, you’re an alpha male and she needs to know it! No.
The distinction is that you make it clear to her that she is in your life because you choose her to be, because you want her to be, and ultimately because you love her. But at the same time, you are driven and have a purpose. You lead your own life and you are not going to rearrange it around her or for her. You have to be adamant about this. If deep down you want to be chasing other ass in your spare time, you can’t change that for her, because in a subtle way you’d supplicating to her wishes, undermining the masculine glory that she’s in love with in the first place.
You have to stand pat on this. Social conditioning will undoubtedly make her throw a fit. Many girls will even leave you, rationalizing that you never loved them in the first place. The truth is, in a love life of abundance, a strong and independent man chooses, on his own accord, when to love a woman rather than others. And on some level, the chicks who are the keepers recognize this and submit:
“I know you love chasing tarts around. I won’t stand in the way of that because I know how you feel about me.”
“I don’t care who you see, just keep seeing me.”
“Do whatever you want, but be safe, and don’t ever let it interfere with what we have between us.”
These are all things girls have eventually said to me. It comes after a period of emotional tension, and generally, you don’t have any problems from there on out. At least, I never have. In all cases, the girl I was with had no desire to sleep with another guy because I fulfilling her needs emotionally… and pounding the shit out of her pussy consistently.
Evolutionary psychology teaches us that when a woman cheats on a man, his biggest concern is, “Did you sleep with him?” When a man cheats on a woman, her biggest concern is, “Do you love her?” There ARE biological differences between our emotional needs and desires. Fill hers.
No emotional Connection + Independence = FB gets bored with you as she realizes you’re never coming around. The escalation ends with physicality and people just stop calling each other.
Emotional Connection + Co-Dependence = Monogamous relationship. Often wonderful in the short-term, but in the long-term, more commitment than most people are ready or able to handle. Guys slowly become emasculated as their woman yells at them to take out the garbage and that he doesn’t make enough money.
Emotional Connection + Independence = Open Relationship.
Oh, and it’s easier if she’s bisexual. More fun too!
Showing posts with label Managing Expectations. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Managing Expectations. Show all posts
Monday, June 14, 2010
Managing Expectations
Here’s a cross-post from Boston Lair in reply to a post asking about managing FB expectations. Original post is in italics, my response is in regular text:
Here are my own expectations: I’m not a fan of ONS. I like long-term involvements, but not necessarily exclusive ones. What I would like out of a relationship is someone that I see maybe once a week, but not not someone who monopolizes my time. In any event, I believe it’s premature to even DISCUSS exclusivity unltil you’ve been dating for 3 months with no red flags. And that has never happened in my life.
That’s a fine way to approach it. I’m with you. I divide my FB’s into “regulars” who I see 1-2 times a week and then “backups” who I basically fuck anytime I run into them or they call me to come over. My “regulars” are basically part-time girlfriends who I enjoy spending time with, care about, and often am even emotionally involved with. My “backups” are just a stockpile of warm vaginas for my perusal.
Entropy had a great post with his “gray area” routine. (Thx, Entropy, BTW). I only have two questions about it:
1. When is the best time to use it? (After sleeping together, I imagine, but right after? Do you bring it up, or do you save it for when she brings it up.
You bring it up ASAP, but not necessarily in the context of you and her. You just bring it up as a general belief you have about relationships at that time. If you don’t, the girl is just going to let things go and let things escalate until she thinks you’re a couple. You have to step in and say, “I like you, but this is going to be casual.” Before or after sex isn’t as important as the point when you know you both want to see each other regularly. It’s definitely post-attraction/post-comfort game. Sometimes this is on a day 2, sometimes this is on a day 5 after you’ve had sex a few times.
2. If you make sure you only see the girl once a week, & don’t call her all the fucking time, can you avoid having to verbally explain anything at all? If you don’t want her to assume you’re her BF, how about just not acting like her BF?
If you set expectations, you’ll never explain anything. As for acting like a boyfriend, it’s not that cut and dry. Think of it as being more of a “part-time boyfriend.” If you set expectations correctly, then you’ll never have to deal with being nagged by these girls. I’ve never been nagged by these girls about being their BF because they know if they pressure me, I’ll ditch them for the next girl. THEY KNOW THIS. Not because I say it explicitly, but because they’ve seen that I’m a high-value male who is in control of my emotions and my life. And the girls who still nagged me anyway? I ditched them for the next girl. I never had to tiptoe around the fact that I only spent 1-2 days with them because they EXPECTED it. The times I got in trouble were when I was new to FB’s and the girls expected to see me more often.
I typically take one night a week for each girl. On that night, I’m her de facto boyfriend. As long as I’m with her, she’s MY GIRL, and she knows that. We have dinner, watch a movie, hold hands, drink wine, go dancing, whatever… then we come home and fuck and cuddle and sleep. I wake up the next morning and go sarge other chicks until I see her again.
Managing expectations with an FB is a skill and it’ll take some trial and errors to develop. What surprised me the most was that managing her expectations were twice as easy as managing MY expectations. Girls are more in-tune with these things and can handle dynamic relationships better. You’ll be amazed at how quickly they’ll lower their expectations from you if you establish them strongly and clearly early on. But, the stumbling block that I see tons of guys in the community run into with FB’s is dealing with their own expectations and emotions. Guys find a great girl that they want to keep around and while going through all the trouble to generate an emotional response in the girl, they find an emotional response in themselves — and it usually scares the bejesus out of them. They either freak out and ditch a wonderful girl, or they freak out and become their boyfriend after a week. I had these same mindfucks early on. We’re taught to not have emotional responses. We’re cold automatons that are programmed to charm females out of their underwear left and right… right? Wrong, the joy of women is an emotional joy, so don’t be afraid of it. Our love for women enslaved us as AFC’s — becoming a PUA is mastering that love for women. Be more worried about handling it in yourself than in her, because when the time comes, if you stand your ground and own it, she’ll basically follow any lead you give her.
Here are my own expectations: I’m not a fan of ONS. I like long-term involvements, but not necessarily exclusive ones. What I would like out of a relationship is someone that I see maybe once a week, but not not someone who monopolizes my time. In any event, I believe it’s premature to even DISCUSS exclusivity unltil you’ve been dating for 3 months with no red flags. And that has never happened in my life.
That’s a fine way to approach it. I’m with you. I divide my FB’s into “regulars” who I see 1-2 times a week and then “backups” who I basically fuck anytime I run into them or they call me to come over. My “regulars” are basically part-time girlfriends who I enjoy spending time with, care about, and often am even emotionally involved with. My “backups” are just a stockpile of warm vaginas for my perusal.
Entropy had a great post with his “gray area” routine. (Thx, Entropy, BTW). I only have two questions about it:
1. When is the best time to use it? (After sleeping together, I imagine, but right after? Do you bring it up, or do you save it for when she brings it up.
You bring it up ASAP, but not necessarily in the context of you and her. You just bring it up as a general belief you have about relationships at that time. If you don’t, the girl is just going to let things go and let things escalate until she thinks you’re a couple. You have to step in and say, “I like you, but this is going to be casual.” Before or after sex isn’t as important as the point when you know you both want to see each other regularly. It’s definitely post-attraction/post-comfort game. Sometimes this is on a day 2, sometimes this is on a day 5 after you’ve had sex a few times.
2. If you make sure you only see the girl once a week, & don’t call her all the fucking time, can you avoid having to verbally explain anything at all? If you don’t want her to assume you’re her BF, how about just not acting like her BF?
If you set expectations, you’ll never explain anything. As for acting like a boyfriend, it’s not that cut and dry. Think of it as being more of a “part-time boyfriend.” If you set expectations correctly, then you’ll never have to deal with being nagged by these girls. I’ve never been nagged by these girls about being their BF because they know if they pressure me, I’ll ditch them for the next girl. THEY KNOW THIS. Not because I say it explicitly, but because they’ve seen that I’m a high-value male who is in control of my emotions and my life. And the girls who still nagged me anyway? I ditched them for the next girl. I never had to tiptoe around the fact that I only spent 1-2 days with them because they EXPECTED it. The times I got in trouble were when I was new to FB’s and the girls expected to see me more often.
I typically take one night a week for each girl. On that night, I’m her de facto boyfriend. As long as I’m with her, she’s MY GIRL, and she knows that. We have dinner, watch a movie, hold hands, drink wine, go dancing, whatever… then we come home and fuck and cuddle and sleep. I wake up the next morning and go sarge other chicks until I see her again.
Managing expectations with an FB is a skill and it’ll take some trial and errors to develop. What surprised me the most was that managing her expectations were twice as easy as managing MY expectations. Girls are more in-tune with these things and can handle dynamic relationships better. You’ll be amazed at how quickly they’ll lower their expectations from you if you establish them strongly and clearly early on. But, the stumbling block that I see tons of guys in the community run into with FB’s is dealing with their own expectations and emotions. Guys find a great girl that they want to keep around and while going through all the trouble to generate an emotional response in the girl, they find an emotional response in themselves — and it usually scares the bejesus out of them. They either freak out and ditch a wonderful girl, or they freak out and become their boyfriend after a week. I had these same mindfucks early on. We’re taught to not have emotional responses. We’re cold automatons that are programmed to charm females out of their underwear left and right… right? Wrong, the joy of women is an emotional joy, so don’t be afraid of it. Our love for women enslaved us as AFC’s — becoming a PUA is mastering that love for women. Be more worried about handling it in yourself than in her, because when the time comes, if you stand your ground and own it, she’ll basically follow any lead you give her.
Mailbag — Getting and Having Girlfriends
Another Friday, another mailbag. I’m in Minnesota, hanging out in some beautiful weather. Today we’re focusing more on relationship issues and getting a girlfriend. As always, if you have questions you want me to answer, either email them to me or submit them here in the comments section.
Mark,
Love the new layout of the site, sick…it looks very professional. This is kind of a two part question. Again, if you don’t have time to read/respond to this email, don’t sweat it.
What are some qualities or traits that a GF looks for in her BF?
And in your opinion, how much does great sex (assuming that is a quality she looks for in her man) account for the GF’s attractiveness to her BF, accounting for the other qualities that the GF feels attraction for said BF? I’m imagining a pie chart with all the qualities broken up and what chunk of that pie chart is great sex.
Not sure if it matters, but said GF is experienced when it comes to sex.
Thanks.
Hani
Well, the honest answer is: it depends. Just like different guys prefer different girls for girlfriends, different girls look for different traits in guys for boyfriends. For instance, a shallow, coke-blowing club whore will be more interested in how many muscles a guy has. A Ph.D student in Theology is going to be more concerned about your morals, intellect and spirituality.
That relationship drive really comes down to compatible personality and emotionall connection more than anything else.
As for sex, yes, sex plays a very important role in a relationship. On a pie chart? Again, it’ll differ from woman to woman, but I’d say sex makes up a sizeable portion (maybe 1/4 or even 1/3). I call sex, “The State of the Union” of the relationship, because it’s when youre intimacy comes together and expresses itself. So if you’re physically not able to express that intimacy with her, frustration will ensue.
As to the experience question, the more experienced a girl is (i.e., the better in bed other guys have been), the less patience and tolerance she’ll have for poor sex. If she’s inexperienced, she’ll have a much higher tolerance.
I recently met this girl who’s amazing. Hotter than any other girl I’ve been with. How do I make her my girlfriend?
- Don
I personally believe in slowing down the commitment process as much as possible. If you want a girlfriend, that’s great, but don’t rush into things. There are a few reasons for this:
1) It’s easy to get swept up in the “honeymoon” period when you first meet someone. Basically, the first 3-6 months you’re with someone, you get overwhelmed by hormones and passion and can often make stupid decisions.
2) I think it’s important to continue to date other women even if you really like one at first, it maintains an abundance mentality when you make your decision to commit.
3) Most guys underestimate the time/effort that comes with a full-time commitment and girlfriend. They’re often being needy as well.
With that said, I think it’s important to let her be the one to push for commitment. In most relationships that start out, one person wants to be with the other one more than the other. When this is the guy, women get turned off extremely easily, as you can come off as needy, or pushy. In my experience, when it’s the other way around, that’s when relationships make it out of that first year or so and equalize and become long-term and successful.
So I guess the short answer to “how do I make her my girlfriend,” is DON’T. Let it happen naturally, and let her push for it. My long answer and philosophy about going about getting a girlfriend can be read here: PUA’s Avoiding Relationships.
Hey Entropy,
I have a question that is less related to game and more to relationships. I just got out of a relationship that I was pretty invested in. The girl I was dating had a lot of things in her past to deal with and ended up deciding she needed to deal with them on her own. It was a shock because things were going great and she was frequently stating how much she liked me and making future plans. I followed the advice of Savoy from his relationship management DVDs so I think I did everything I could to keep the relationship fresh and exciting but I think in this case nothing could have prevented this.
Anyway, my question is do you have any recommendations for how to get over a break-up? Overall I feel pretty okay with it all but sometimes I feel like crap. Right now I don’t have much interest to go approach girls but I forced myself to do so anyway this weekend. Thanks a lot!
-Sal
Yes, use the emotions you feel as fuel to better yourself. Every time I get out of a break up and feel really down and depressed I harness those emotions to better myself, whether it be by working out a bunch, working on my business 16 hours a day or going out and trying new things. I frame it in my mind as,”Well, I’m going to become such a bad ass, she’ll regret doing this.” While I’m not ACTUALLY trying to get her back, it feels good to feel like you’re going to make her regret it.
If your hearts not that in approaching, I don’t know if I’d force it yet. Honestly, the best thing I found for break ups is exercise. Studies have actually shown that doing cardio speeds up emotional processing — for instance, if you feel depressed or guilty about something, running or biking will make you get over it faster than not. After a few weeks, you should start getting that “fire” again to go out and jump on every cute girl that walks by. So I wouldn’t worry about that too much. Focus on yourself for a few weeks, then focus on hitting on other girls.
Mark,
Love the new layout of the site, sick…it looks very professional. This is kind of a two part question. Again, if you don’t have time to read/respond to this email, don’t sweat it.
What are some qualities or traits that a GF looks for in her BF?
And in your opinion, how much does great sex (assuming that is a quality she looks for in her man) account for the GF’s attractiveness to her BF, accounting for the other qualities that the GF feels attraction for said BF? I’m imagining a pie chart with all the qualities broken up and what chunk of that pie chart is great sex.
Not sure if it matters, but said GF is experienced when it comes to sex.
Thanks.
Hani
Well, the honest answer is: it depends. Just like different guys prefer different girls for girlfriends, different girls look for different traits in guys for boyfriends. For instance, a shallow, coke-blowing club whore will be more interested in how many muscles a guy has. A Ph.D student in Theology is going to be more concerned about your morals, intellect and spirituality.
That relationship drive really comes down to compatible personality and emotionall connection more than anything else.
As for sex, yes, sex plays a very important role in a relationship. On a pie chart? Again, it’ll differ from woman to woman, but I’d say sex makes up a sizeable portion (maybe 1/4 or even 1/3). I call sex, “The State of the Union” of the relationship, because it’s when youre intimacy comes together and expresses itself. So if you’re physically not able to express that intimacy with her, frustration will ensue.
As to the experience question, the more experienced a girl is (i.e., the better in bed other guys have been), the less patience and tolerance she’ll have for poor sex. If she’s inexperienced, she’ll have a much higher tolerance.
I recently met this girl who’s amazing. Hotter than any other girl I’ve been with. How do I make her my girlfriend?
- Don
I personally believe in slowing down the commitment process as much as possible. If you want a girlfriend, that’s great, but don’t rush into things. There are a few reasons for this:
1) It’s easy to get swept up in the “honeymoon” period when you first meet someone. Basically, the first 3-6 months you’re with someone, you get overwhelmed by hormones and passion and can often make stupid decisions.
2) I think it’s important to continue to date other women even if you really like one at first, it maintains an abundance mentality when you make your decision to commit.
3) Most guys underestimate the time/effort that comes with a full-time commitment and girlfriend. They’re often being needy as well.
With that said, I think it’s important to let her be the one to push for commitment. In most relationships that start out, one person wants to be with the other one more than the other. When this is the guy, women get turned off extremely easily, as you can come off as needy, or pushy. In my experience, when it’s the other way around, that’s when relationships make it out of that first year or so and equalize and become long-term and successful.
So I guess the short answer to “how do I make her my girlfriend,” is DON’T. Let it happen naturally, and let her push for it. My long answer and philosophy about going about getting a girlfriend can be read here: PUA’s Avoiding Relationships.
Hey Entropy,
I have a question that is less related to game and more to relationships. I just got out of a relationship that I was pretty invested in. The girl I was dating had a lot of things in her past to deal with and ended up deciding she needed to deal with them on her own. It was a shock because things were going great and she was frequently stating how much she liked me and making future plans. I followed the advice of Savoy from his relationship management DVDs so I think I did everything I could to keep the relationship fresh and exciting but I think in this case nothing could have prevented this.
Anyway, my question is do you have any recommendations for how to get over a break-up? Overall I feel pretty okay with it all but sometimes I feel like crap. Right now I don’t have much interest to go approach girls but I forced myself to do so anyway this weekend. Thanks a lot!
-Sal
Yes, use the emotions you feel as fuel to better yourself. Every time I get out of a break up and feel really down and depressed I harness those emotions to better myself, whether it be by working out a bunch, working on my business 16 hours a day or going out and trying new things. I frame it in my mind as,”Well, I’m going to become such a bad ass, she’ll regret doing this.” While I’m not ACTUALLY trying to get her back, it feels good to feel like you’re going to make her regret it.
If your hearts not that in approaching, I don’t know if I’d force it yet. Honestly, the best thing I found for break ups is exercise. Studies have actually shown that doing cardio speeds up emotional processing — for instance, if you feel depressed or guilty about something, running or biking will make you get over it faster than not. After a few weeks, you should start getting that “fire” again to go out and jump on every cute girl that walks by. So I wouldn’t worry about that too much. Focus on yourself for a few weeks, then focus on hitting on other girls.
Relationships: Setting and managing expectations
Back again, rounding the last turn on my absurdly titled series, “The Seven Immutable Laws of Pickup”.
I. The Law of Rejection: He Who Gets Rejected Gets Laid
II. The Law of Lifestyle: You’re Only As Attractive As Your Lifestyle
III. The Law of Aggression: Push Every Interaction to the Limits
IV. The Law of Sub-Communication: It’s Not What You Say But WHY You Say It
V. The Law of Connection: You Can Only Share What You Know
VI. The Law of Relationships: Setting and Managing Expectations
VII. The Law of Inertia: Every Habit Requires Repetition
For you guys who have been following it all along, you’ll notice a bit of a progression going on here. Remember, these are the seven factors that I believe are CONSTANTLY present when it comes to picking up women. Rejection — something we must all face and accept before we even begin. Lifestyle — the glass ceiling of our sexuality as men. Aggression — the speed in which we’ll get intimate with girls. Sub-Communication — the efficacy and clarity of that intimacy. Connection — The depth of that intimacy.
Now, moving on to managing expectations — and in essence — managing the relationship with the girl.
You begin sub-communicating expectations and managing them the second you open a girl, although they’re rarely that relevant until after you sleep with her. Regardless, they provide the frame in which the whole interaction’s lifespan will exist.
Let’s say you’re talking to a girl in a bar and everything’s going great. You’ve had great conversation for a couple hours and you’re both touching and flirting comfortably.
In your mind, you may be thinking, “Awesome, I’m going to get laid tonight.” In her mind, she may be thinking, “Oh my God, he’s so great. This is it! I’ll finally have a good relationship.”
Our expectations are morphed from our life experiences, beliefs, values and perceptions. If a girl is a sheltered Catholic girl, she’s going to natural have expectations of a long-term, committed relationship more easily. If you’re an emotionally damaged man-whore (like me), you’re going to expect to get your dick wet and probably little else.
Often girls like this will still sleep with you on that first night, but under the impression that it’s going to lead to something more significant. Believe it or not, I’ve had the opposite happen to me — girls I really liked and thought were interesting slept with me and were interested in little else. It goes both ways.
The goal with managing expectations is to clearly convey your expectations, find out her expectations and negotiate some kind of common ground.
There are three keys to managing expectations: Communication, honesty and respect.
Communication is by far the most important. Communication is often misconstrued — many people (guys and girls) think, “Well, we talk so much, we have a lot of communication.” Bullshit. True communication only has three topics: ME, YOU and US.
If you’re not talking about one of those three topics, you’re not communicating in a meaningful way. Discussing Peyton Manning’s states is not communicating. Talking about the Iraq War is not communicating. Even telling her about your ski trip in Colorado is hardly communicating.
Unless she’s finding out about your values, interests and (yes) expectations, there’s not intimate communication going on, and the interaction is moving blindly toward some unknown destination.
This is where honesty comes in. Communication is worthless without being true to your desires and needs. If you like a girl, let her know. If you don’t want a relationship, let her know. If you are seeing other girls, let her know.
You don’t have to say it as blunt and coldly as that, but make sure she gets the message. The more clear, the better.
Get the same honesty out of her. Obviously, you can’t ever know if she’s being 100% honest or not, but as long as she seems genuine, take it at face value (a lot of girls will say they just want sex, when they’re hoping to rope you into a relationship).
Finally, be respectful of her expectations. Her relationship expectations are a summation of her beliefs, values and experiences. That stuff’s sacred, so don’t shit all over it.
But here’s the catch. We rarely REALLY know exactly what we want. Sometimes we THINK we want to have a bunch of random sex, or sometimes we THINK we want a long-term girlfriend, but when we’re confronted with the situation, we actually don’t.
The truth is, our desires and needs change every day. As a result, our expectations for a relationship should change daily as well. As a result, we have to continue to communicate these expectations and desires. As a result, we have to CONTINUE to be honest and open. And of course, we have to continue to respect her desires and wishes.
This is a constant and tireless process. From the moment you meet, to the first time you have sex, to the three month mark, to the year-long mark.
Guys ask me a lot, “How do you keep fuck buddies and MLTR’s for months or even years?” This is how. There has to be a constant and open communication.
Relationships evolve, because WE evolve. You have to be willing to acknowledge that evolution and work together with it.
Girls who start out as one night stands become fuck buddies, then become friends with benefits. Then they become emotionally involved, followed by monogamy, followed by an open relationship and then maybe monogamy again. Then things change a year later and it goes back to friends with benefits, then back to an open relationship.
Follow it wherever it goes. Be open, honest, and communicate consistently. And if you’re fortunate enough to find a woman who is self-aware and communicates openly as well, then get ready for a fantastic ride together.
I. The Law of Rejection: He Who Gets Rejected Gets Laid
II. The Law of Lifestyle: You’re Only As Attractive As Your Lifestyle
III. The Law of Aggression: Push Every Interaction to the Limits
IV. The Law of Sub-Communication: It’s Not What You Say But WHY You Say It
V. The Law of Connection: You Can Only Share What You Know
VI. The Law of Relationships: Setting and Managing Expectations
VII. The Law of Inertia: Every Habit Requires Repetition
For you guys who have been following it all along, you’ll notice a bit of a progression going on here. Remember, these are the seven factors that I believe are CONSTANTLY present when it comes to picking up women. Rejection — something we must all face and accept before we even begin. Lifestyle — the glass ceiling of our sexuality as men. Aggression — the speed in which we’ll get intimate with girls. Sub-Communication — the efficacy and clarity of that intimacy. Connection — The depth of that intimacy.
Now, moving on to managing expectations — and in essence — managing the relationship with the girl.
You begin sub-communicating expectations and managing them the second you open a girl, although they’re rarely that relevant until after you sleep with her. Regardless, they provide the frame in which the whole interaction’s lifespan will exist.
Let’s say you’re talking to a girl in a bar and everything’s going great. You’ve had great conversation for a couple hours and you’re both touching and flirting comfortably.
In your mind, you may be thinking, “Awesome, I’m going to get laid tonight.” In her mind, she may be thinking, “Oh my God, he’s so great. This is it! I’ll finally have a good relationship.”
Our expectations are morphed from our life experiences, beliefs, values and perceptions. If a girl is a sheltered Catholic girl, she’s going to natural have expectations of a long-term, committed relationship more easily. If you’re an emotionally damaged man-whore (like me), you’re going to expect to get your dick wet and probably little else.
Often girls like this will still sleep with you on that first night, but under the impression that it’s going to lead to something more significant. Believe it or not, I’ve had the opposite happen to me — girls I really liked and thought were interesting slept with me and were interested in little else. It goes both ways.
The goal with managing expectations is to clearly convey your expectations, find out her expectations and negotiate some kind of common ground.
There are three keys to managing expectations: Communication, honesty and respect.
Communication is by far the most important. Communication is often misconstrued — many people (guys and girls) think, “Well, we talk so much, we have a lot of communication.” Bullshit. True communication only has three topics: ME, YOU and US.
If you’re not talking about one of those three topics, you’re not communicating in a meaningful way. Discussing Peyton Manning’s states is not communicating. Talking about the Iraq War is not communicating. Even telling her about your ski trip in Colorado is hardly communicating.
Unless she’s finding out about your values, interests and (yes) expectations, there’s not intimate communication going on, and the interaction is moving blindly toward some unknown destination.
This is where honesty comes in. Communication is worthless without being true to your desires and needs. If you like a girl, let her know. If you don’t want a relationship, let her know. If you are seeing other girls, let her know.
You don’t have to say it as blunt and coldly as that, but make sure she gets the message. The more clear, the better.
Get the same honesty out of her. Obviously, you can’t ever know if she’s being 100% honest or not, but as long as she seems genuine, take it at face value (a lot of girls will say they just want sex, when they’re hoping to rope you into a relationship).
Finally, be respectful of her expectations. Her relationship expectations are a summation of her beliefs, values and experiences. That stuff’s sacred, so don’t shit all over it.
But here’s the catch. We rarely REALLY know exactly what we want. Sometimes we THINK we want to have a bunch of random sex, or sometimes we THINK we want a long-term girlfriend, but when we’re confronted with the situation, we actually don’t.
The truth is, our desires and needs change every day. As a result, our expectations for a relationship should change daily as well. As a result, we have to continue to communicate these expectations and desires. As a result, we have to CONTINUE to be honest and open. And of course, we have to continue to respect her desires and wishes.
This is a constant and tireless process. From the moment you meet, to the first time you have sex, to the three month mark, to the year-long mark.
Guys ask me a lot, “How do you keep fuck buddies and MLTR’s for months or even years?” This is how. There has to be a constant and open communication.
Relationships evolve, because WE evolve. You have to be willing to acknowledge that evolution and work together with it.
Girls who start out as one night stands become fuck buddies, then become friends with benefits. Then they become emotionally involved, followed by monogamy, followed by an open relationship and then maybe monogamy again. Then things change a year later and it goes back to friends with benefits, then back to an open relationship.
Follow it wherever it goes. Be open, honest, and communicate consistently. And if you’re fortunate enough to find a woman who is self-aware and communicates openly as well, then get ready for a fantastic ride together.
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