Relationships: Setting and managing expectations

Back again, rounding the last turn on my absurdly titled series, “The Seven Immutable Laws of Pickup”.

I. The Law of Rejection: He Who Gets Rejected Gets Laid
II. The Law of Lifestyle: You’re Only As Attractive As Your Lifestyle
III. The Law of Aggression: Push Every Interaction to the Limits
IV. The Law of Sub-Communication: It’s Not What You Say But WHY You Say It
V. The Law of Connection: You Can Only Share What You Know
VI. The Law of Relationships: Setting and Managing Expectations
VII. The Law of Inertia: Every Habit Requires Repetition

For you guys who have been following it all along, you’ll notice a bit of a progression going on here. Remember, these are the seven factors that I believe are CONSTANTLY present when it comes to picking up women. Rejection — something we must all face and accept before we even begin. Lifestyle — the glass ceiling of our sexuality as men. Aggression — the speed in which we’ll get intimate with girls. Sub-Communication — the efficacy and clarity of that intimacy. Connection — The depth of that intimacy.

Now, moving on to managing expectations — and in essence — managing the relationship with the girl.

You begin sub-communicating expectations and managing them the second you open a girl, although they’re rarely that relevant until after you sleep with her. Regardless, they provide the frame in which the whole interaction’s lifespan will exist.

Let’s say you’re talking to a girl in a bar and everything’s going great. You’ve had great conversation for a couple hours and you’re both touching and flirting comfortably.

In your mind, you may be thinking, “Awesome, I’m going to get laid tonight.” In her mind, she may be thinking, “Oh my God, he’s so great. This is it! I’ll finally have a good relationship.”

Our expectations are morphed from our life experiences, beliefs, values and perceptions. If a girl is a sheltered Catholic girl, she’s going to natural have expectations of a long-term, committed relationship more easily. If you’re an emotionally damaged man-whore (like me), you’re going to expect to get your dick wet and probably little else.

Often girls like this will still sleep with you on that first night, but under the impression that it’s going to lead to something more significant. Believe it or not, I’ve had the opposite happen to me — girls I really liked and thought were interesting slept with me and were interested in little else. It goes both ways.

The goal with managing expectations is to clearly convey your expectations, find out her expectations and negotiate some kind of common ground.

There are three keys to managing expectations: Communication, honesty and respect.

Communication is by far the most important. Communication is often misconstrued — many people (guys and girls) think, “Well, we talk so much, we have a lot of communication.” Bullshit. True communication only has three topics: ME, YOU and US.

If you’re not talking about one of those three topics, you’re not communicating in a meaningful way. Discussing Peyton Manning’s states is not communicating. Talking about the Iraq War is not communicating. Even telling her about your ski trip in Colorado is hardly communicating.

Unless she’s finding out about your values, interests and (yes) expectations, there’s not intimate communication going on, and the interaction is moving blindly toward some unknown destination.

This is where honesty comes in. Communication is worthless without being true to your desires and needs. If you like a girl, let her know. If you don’t want a relationship, let her know. If you are seeing other girls, let her know.

You don’t have to say it as blunt and coldly as that, but make sure she gets the message. The more clear, the better.

Get the same honesty out of her. Obviously, you can’t ever know if she’s being 100% honest or not, but as long as she seems genuine, take it at face value (a lot of girls will say they just want sex, when they’re hoping to rope you into a relationship).

Finally, be respectful of her expectations. Her relationship expectations are a summation of her beliefs, values and experiences. That stuff’s sacred, so don’t shit all over it.

But here’s the catch. We rarely REALLY know exactly what we want. Sometimes we THINK we want to have a bunch of random sex, or sometimes we THINK we want a long-term girlfriend, but when we’re confronted with the situation, we actually don’t.

The truth is, our desires and needs change every day. As a result, our expectations for a relationship should change daily as well. As a result, we have to continue to communicate these expectations and desires. As a result, we have to CONTINUE to be honest and open. And of course, we have to continue to respect her desires and wishes.

This is a constant and tireless process. From the moment you meet, to the first time you have sex, to the three month mark, to the year-long mark.

Guys ask me a lot, “How do you keep fuck buddies and MLTR’s for months or even years?” This is how. There has to be a constant and open communication.

Relationships evolve, because WE evolve. You have to be willing to acknowledge that evolution and work together with it.

Girls who start out as one night stands become fuck buddies, then become friends with benefits. Then they become emotionally involved, followed by monogamy, followed by an open relationship and then maybe monogamy again. Then things change a year later and it goes back to friends with benefits, then back to an open relationship.

Follow it wherever it goes. Be open, honest, and communicate consistently. And if you’re fortunate enough to find a woman who is self-aware and communicates openly as well, then get ready for a fantastic ride together.