Connection: You can only share what you already know…

Aha! And you thought I gave up on this series, “The Seven Immutable Laws of Pickup”. I would never do that… I just got lazy, caught up releasing an eBook, building three websites, coaching every weekend… you know, typical shit.

Granted, I started this series back in June, in what was supposed to be a once-a-week series, but fuck it. I’m back with installment five, and I think this is a big one that I’ve never really seen touched upon elsewhere in the community.

I. The Law of Rejection: He Who Gets Rejected Gets Laid
II. The Law of Lifestyle: You’re Only As Attractive As Your Lifestyle
III. The Law of Aggression: Push Every Interaction to the Limits
IV. The Law of Sub-Communication: It’s Not What You Say But WHY You Say It
V. The Law of Connection: You Can Only Share What You Know
VI. The Law of Relationships: Setting and Managing Expectations
VII. The Law of Inertia: Every Habit Requires Repetition

What I want to talk about today is what is generally referred to in the community as “comfort game.” I don’t like that term, because it ignores the depth of the communication that actually must go on to get a girl invested in the interaction. It makes it sound like all you have to do is give the girl a back rub and tell her you like puppies, then she’ll magically say, “Oh, what a nice guy, let me spread my legs!”

Comfort game is pretty useless unless the woman feels like she’s connecting to you on some deeper level. And to connect with you, you need to display an ability to empathize with her.

By empathize, I mean if she shares something personal, relate to the emotions she experiences and share something personal that triggers those same emotions within you.

This is an extreme example, but let’s say a girl talks about how her brother died of an overdose and it shattered her life for six months. I could then talk about how one of my best friends drowned when I was 19.

Here’s the thing… most guys “get” this and stop there. You build rapport: girl talks about A, you talk about A, girl talks about B, you talk about B.

But in the example above, simply talking about it isn’t enough, you want to CONNECT to her emotions. So what I would do is describe the experience of dealing with death. I’d talk about the grieving process, the immobilizing depression, how I used humor to cope, feeling like no one could relate to me no matter how much support I was offered, the complete inability to wrap your mind around something that is so absolute as death, etc.

BAM! She gets it, because she lived through the exact same experiences. And because she’s lived it, she knows YOU’VE lived it. You’re not just talking at each other, sharing facts, but now you have shared a life experience — almost as if you two lived it together.

This is building connection.

And building connection is reliant on one thing: you can’t share what you don’t know. In a nutshell, the more self-aware one is about one’s experiences, the more one will be relate to others about their experiences.

As men, we generally suck at being aware of our experiences.

I noticed when I first started coaching and tried to get guys to build more “comfort” I’d give them the usual lines of “You need to talk about yourself more, share yourself, Tell her about yourself,” etc. What these guys would do is start telling girls, “I’m from New Jersey. I like the Yankees. I like Kanye and Jay-Z.”

I got very frustrated and would tell them again, and so they’d go out and say, “I’m from Newark, New Jersey. I REALLY like the Yankees. Kanye and Jay-Z are the best.” What I soon realized was in their minds they WERE sharing themselves. They just weren’t as aware of their life, their motivations, their interests and especially THEIR EMOTIONS.

In these examples, even if the girl is from New York and into Jay-Z, she’s not going to feel that connected to you. Millions of guys out there are from New York and into Jay-Z. You have to dig deeper, find what makes you unique as an individual — WHY do you like Jay-Z? Well, when I was young, my older brother would drive me to school and play old Jay-Z albums. There you go, now we’re getting somewhere. Maybe you picked it up because you really looked up to your brother, maybe he was the biggest father figure in your life. If so, why is that? You need to ask yourself these questions and be willing to share the answers with girls.

It’s not an easy task, but every guy needs to find what differentiates him from the other million guys in town. The good news is that you already ARE different than the other guys, but the hard part is taking a long hard look at yourself to see what’s so unique.

It’s when you do this, not only do you distinguish yourself in the girl’s eyes, but you’re able to build connection based on your life experiences. For instance, that girl who also likes Jay-Z, maybe she had an older brother who took her to a Jay-Z concert. You guys now have an experience to relate to on a much deeper, personal and emotional level.

This law is kind of the other side of the coin of the last law of pickup. Whereas with sub-communication, you’re constantly asking “Why?” in effort to understand the deeper causes of HER actions. Connection and self-awareness is a process of constantly asking “Why?” to understand the deeper causes of your actions.

Why?

Because you can’t share what you don’t know.