Sub-Communication: It’s not what you say, but why you say it

This is part four of my brashly titled series, “The Seven Immutable Laws of Pick Up”.

I. The Law of Rejection: He Who Gets Rejected Gets Laid
II. The Law of Lifestyle: You’re Only As Attractive As Your Lifestyle
III. The Law of Aggression: Push Every Interaction to the Limits
IV. The Law of Sub-Communication: It’s Not What You Say But WHY You Say It
V. The Law of Connection: You Can Only Share What You Know
VI. The Law of Relationships: Setting and Managing Expectations
VII. The Law of Inertia: Every Habit Requires Repetition

Think back to when you were a newbie (or maybe you ARE a newbie). When newbies first discover the community and the notion of improving their dating skills, what’s the first concept we ALL latch onto?

“What’s the best thing to say to her?”

Dozens of books are written on the subject enumerating hundreds of “pick up lines” or “openers” — not to mention the entirety of the seduction community’s routines. One company even sells a “Routine Manual” with literally hundreds of pages of pre-scripted conversation for guys to learn and then recite when they go out.

But here’s the interesting part for any guy who has gone out and tried to use these techniques: sometimes they work and sometimes they don’t. Well, that would seem obvious right? Sometimes you hit and sometimes you miss (despite what the marketing may say). But I’m not talking about some silly game or far-out palmistry routine here, I’m talking about something basic such as DHV’ing yourself or even opening with the common opinion opener — something that logically SHOULD work every time.

On this journey, one of the first “Ah ha!” moments is usually when we first realize that exactly WHAT we say isn’t the most important component in an interaction. My realization came after I had been going out regularly for a few months. I was out with a natural friend. The night had been uneventful, so we took our drunken stupor to the streets of downtown Boston. We’re walking by moving sets every few seconds when my friend spontaneously calls out to one of them.

“Hey you! Yeah you! Hey sweetheart, come here! I have to ask you something.”

The girl nervously saunters over. My friend stands waiting, teetering here and there. Universal anticipation: “What the hell is he going to ask her?”

…

“Can I pee in your butt?”

WHAAAAAA??! At the time, I was horrified. Stopping and opening a moving set outside was still a big deal to me at the time, much less asking her if I could urinate in her asshole. But what did he do? Well, he laughed obviously… but he walked up to the NEXT SET and did it AGAIN. Each time it became seemingly funnier and more ridiculous than the last.

To my amazement, after three or four times, girls started laughing with him. Next thing I know, we’re in set and talking to them. We’re opening sets with “Can I pee in your butt?” I couldn’t believe it. To hell with those opinion openers I had been practicing!

My friend ended up pulling that night (hey, I said he was a natural). To this day it’s been one of the most influential nights on my game. It crystallized in my mind that the words you say are just the tip of the iceberg: the 20% of meaning that merely broaches the surface.

Jump ahead two years. I’m coaching and working with students. I ran into a handful of guys who had a peculiar problem: despite the fact that they were honest and cool, their DHV stories didn’t work. They fell flat EVERY time. I was a bit stumped until I went out in field with them. They weren’t DHV’ing. They were bragging.

What’s the difference?

Purpose.

When you DHV properly — when you share something personal about your life and personality — you simply state fact. It’s an offering. She’s free to accept it, to be impressed, disgusted, amazed, bored. Whatever. When you brag, you’re seeking a reaction. You’re seeking rapport and even adulation.

Take negging or teasing. Some guys do it and get horrible results. Others do it and get fantastic results. What’s the difference between insulting and teasing? One’s purpose is to cut the other person down maliciously, the other is to generate playfulness and lightness of a subject that one may usually take too seriously.

When it boils down to it, ask yourself what the PURPOSE of everything you say is. Because it’s going to be one of two things: either you’re giving value or you’re taking value. You’re either seeking rapport or giving to everyone you meet unconditionally. Either you’re looking for validation in others or you have found it within yourself.

Sub-communication is an seemingly magical form of communicating that women are fluent at yet men rarely acknowledge. Sub-communication is why “No” sometimes means “Yes”. Why “I’m not going to sleep with you tonight,” means “I can’t wait to fuck you” many times and “get the fuck away from me” other times. It’s why, “You make me feel special,” can be said by five different girls and mean five completely different things. WHY is she saying this? WHY did I say what I did to her?

Too often men seek a literal interpretation of their interactions. She said X, so it HAS TO MEAN Y. No!

You must look a step deeper. Look for what motivates people’s actions and words. When a girl does something, ask yourself, “Why?” Then take that answer and ask, “Why?” Do it until the motivations within the interaction become apparent.

She talked to me all night, but abruptly followed her friend to the bathroom.
Why?
She seemed to be getting annoyed or disconcerted the last few minutes.
Why?
She acted like I had just hurt her feelings.
Why?
She probably felt like I was rejecting her in some way.
Why?
I stopped escalating and progressing.
Why?
I was afraid of losing what I already had.

Or…

I called her three times this weekend even though she never called me back.
Why?
I wanted to make sure I got ahold of her.
Why?
I really want to see her again badly.
Why?
She’s the only number I’ve gotten in weeks and I was so afraid she wouldn’t call me back.
Why?
I feel like I NEED to have this girl, ANY girl.
Why?
Mommy never hugged me enough.

Etc.

As you can see, this exercise trains you to notice the PURPOSE of what happens. As we all know, women are NOTORIOUS for saying one thing and meaning something completely different, or seemingly changing their mind on a whim. It may seem contradictory. It may seem illogical. But guess what?

WOMEN’S ACTIONS MAKE SENSE!

You just have to be privvy to the purpose and motivations behind what they say.

At the same time, constantly question what you say and WHY YOU SAY IT. You can say the greatest things in the world, but if you’re saying it because you seek validation, because you need rapport and for people to approve of you, you will be dropped quickly and often.

Be honest with yourself that matters. It’s not what you say, but WHY you say it.